they looked so fake, but they're really real... 

My tulips! 

braggity brag brag

Sorry, but I really do need to gloat for a moment, if I may....
We went to Hayden's first CF clinic appointment today, and his doctor said she had never seen a CF baby look so healthy and on track so soon after being hospitalized (cheesy grin)!
He is now 12 lbs, and the dietician is so excited to see him back on the charts.
Yahooie!

my 2 cuties 

The brothers are back together (by Todd) 

Andy checks his shoes after a great run 

The Mad Toothbrusher 

and...he's back!

Hurrah! After exactly one month, my little miracle boy has arrived home. We had a pleasant night together as a family in our dirty, messy, neglected house (but, hey! The love was oozing out of all the cracks).
Hayden seemed quite comfy in his crib, which he had never slept in until last night. It seems the hospital stay cured my worry about how to transition him from the "family bed" to the crib at 3 months.
I must admit, I am going to miss the hospital. I loved the staff there, and some of them even thought I worked there, we had been around so much! (not to mention the free food that I received as a "nursing" mother - ha!) I also feel guilty, because one of the little boys who was in the PICU when Hayden was there did not get to go home with his family. It was an eerie coincidence that the day Hayden was discharged, this boy's family was having a funeral. It makes me feel so saddened.
I'm back at work now and trying to keep my emotions in check as much as possible. It's hard, what with my hormones going nutty from not breastfeeding and the worry about our success in parenting a "special needs" child, Todd finding a job that allows him to care for Hayden, getting bills paid, etc. etc. I'm just so glad that I have this wonderful network of friends that I can bawl in front of! I'll try to get in touch with everyone, but it will have to be after 9PM. I just got our Nextel bill in the mail, and it almost put ME in the hospital!

good news

And finally, some good news! Our older son's DNA test came back negative for CF, meaning he is not even a carrier! Yahooo!
We are still waiting to hear of Hayden can go home today. One doctor said yes, the other needs to agree. The scary part will be bringing him home, since, if something goes wrong, we won't have the nurses and the equipment right outside our door. Our family has a huge adjustment coming up....breathe....breathe......we'll take it as it comes!

In other news,I got to cheer my old boss/friend, Andy on as he finished the 25K River bank run> He did an excellent job, I believe he came in somewhere around 1:40. (and he's in his early 40's too!!!) The winner came in around 1:15, I think. I snagged some pictures, hope to post sometime soon! We also have pictures of Hayden without his feeding tube that I need to get on here. He's been laughing and chatting up a storm, but WILL NOT smile for the camera. I think he gets mad when I cover my face with it. Ah, well. At least I know he's smiling!

Mother's Day

I certainly had a wonderful Mother's Day, it was spent with the baby sharing laughs, coos and giggles. He seems like a perfectly healthy baby were it not for the facts and the obnoxious tube sticking out of his nostril.
The doctors want to keep him at the hospital a bit longer. They say he is not gaining weight at the speed that is needed. There has also been talk of putting in a G-tube before he goes home, to ensure that he gets enough calories during every feeding.
I'm getting very tired - of the hospital scent on his skin, the tiny room, even the gorgeous view is beginning to wear me out. I'm forever grateful to all the friends and family who have been huge pillars of support. I would not have made it through this time without all the encouraging words and prayers!!!!
Tonight, Lori has offered to do the grocery shopping for us, I can't believe that I haven't been to the supermarket in over A MONTH!
I promise to keep you all informed, I am getting all of your messages. I hope to thank you all individually - for now I am rushing through the day to get to the hospital so I can hold my little baby as much as possible. One positive out of this experience is that Hayden and I have truly bonded as mother and son, and that is the best Mother's Day gift ever!

view from window 

Looking better 

scary part in the PICU 

new adventure

We are now about to embark on a new adventure. Hayden has been diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis. Todd and I were not aware that we were carriers, as it has not shown up in our family previously. Hayden is off the ICU floor and the Dr.s are working to get him to eat by mouth again. CF is a chronic illness that is survivable as long as the treatments are done daily. He will need to take enzymes before he eats ANYTHING, have treatments by nebulizer and "puffer" daily, have chest percussion therapy daily and will need to stay away from other kids with CF and kids who are sick or have a cough or cold. He needs us to become germophobes, basically, and we must constantly wash and sanitize our hands. The trick is to avoid Hayden catching any sort of lung infection, as this can be fatal to someone with CF.
As far as Hayden's progress, he is looking bright and alert and is eager to learn, he has figured out how to put his pacifyer back in his mouth! (I know, I am anti-paci, but he needs it while in the hospital, he is experiencing some major trauma!)
Thanks again to all of you for your thoughts, prayers and support. We can't wait to have our family back home together!

update MOnday 4-??

The latest with the baby is that, while I was away spending quality time with th e 4-year old at Chuck E. Cheese, Baby H. had trouble breathing again. Long story short, he has a breathing tube, a feeding tube, a tube to take air out of his nose and a tube to reinflate his lung, which as it turns out, had a tiny pinhole. He is on drugs to keep him asleep so he doesn't move around and dislodge the tubes. The Dr.s are still doing tests to find out what caused all the problems in the first place, with his blood losing proteins (albumin), the anemia and the lack of absorption of nutrients in his body. More later, they are giving him a bath now. Oh, and now they've found a bit of a heart murmur too.

update

Baby H. is in the ICU. My heart is pounding, stomach cramping. I cannot believe this is happening to the poor little guy. He keeps looking at me with his blueberry eyes like he wants me to rescue him. Uh, this hurts so much!

update

Baby H. took a turn on the night before we were supposed to be released. He was having trouble breathing in the middle of the night, so they rushed him down to have a chest xray and more (always more) blood tests. Right now, they say his blood is low in albumin (proteins) they need to figure out if he just isn't maiking enough or if he's making a lot and losing them and why. His chest has more crud in it than before (pneumonia, although it's not the virus, just anything in the lungs is considered'Pnuemonia") he has reflux, so he isn't keeping his food in, we need to beef him up before he goes home, and he also has the anemia problem. This weekend, they will have a neurologist come in to make sure his floppiness and lack of eating interest is related to his illness (the cough/cold) and not something in the motor skill/cognitive department.
All I know is that I miss seeing his smile. He was so happy and chatty before he got sick and now he just lays there and complains.
Also, they gave him a diuretic because they had pumped him too full of IV fluid, and his legs and feet puffed up. He wasn't peeing it out like a normal person, and they need to figure THAT out too. SHEEESH!!!! So now they have him on the IV (in his head) with the minimum fluid to keep him nourished, and they want me to try to "beef" him up. He is also on Prevacid for the reflux and antibiotic for the cough/lung issue.
Sorry if this is poorly written, but I'm trying to get it all out quickly so that I can get back to him.
Love,
Patti

scary times

It seems as though everyone is getting sick this week! I am totally feeling horrid with some kind of weirdo sinus infection/flu, and baby H. is in the hospital (I'm actually using the internet there). Our Dr. told us to take him here because he had a terrible cough and kept vomiting, so the staff did some tests and disocvered the cough wasn't his only problem. He is now hooked to an IV in his head, and we will be here all week. It is so scary to see such a tiny little thing hooked up to all those wires and machines. He keeps looking at me with these pleading eyes, saying "mama, can't you help me?" and I can't, there's nothing I can do. I wish I could take him home right now, but I guess it is for the best, we need to find out why his body is acting crazy and get him on the path to recovery and development.

My son wants to be a photographer! 

It' s the D! (Sorry it took so long, Lori!) 

robot cake for the boy's birthday 

hawking product

Last weekend, I forayed into a realm that I would normally shun - the MALL! The truth is, and this is very difficult for me to admit, as I am anti-advertising/big corporation peddling, I saw an ad on TV for Old Navy tunics. I looooooooooooooove tunics, especially now that I need to cover up my remaining 15 lbs of baby fat on my belly. I usually get my tunics from Vintage clothing stores, so that they are authentic, from India, but hey- I was really needing some tops for work, so I packed the little dude up in his stroller and entered into the overly-brightened halls of the local shopping mall.
After purchasing not one, but THREE different colored tunics, I remembered that I had a couple birthday parties coming up that I needed toys for, and H. was sleeping nicely in the stroller, so I pushed that little bundle all the way down to the other side of the mall - acres and acres away - and I passed by a Burt's Bees kiosk on the way. Suddenly, a light went on in my tiny head! I remembered that my coworker, Jean, was turning 90, and I thought I might buy him some exotic teas, since he is a naturalist and a vegetarian, but I figured, hey since I am here, and not at the tea store, I can save myself a trip and get him a nice gift pack from Burt. (see, advertising sucking me in again, dang it!!!!) I grabbed a nice little pouch filled with natural camping supplies - toothpaste, salve, lip balm, etc. - and just as the friendly/eager gal was ringing me up, I was enticed by yet another evil marketing scam, the "lipgloss next to the cash register" trick! I tried a sample, and I was hooked! I love the stuff, it's mentholated lip balm(I am totally addicted to that certain "buzz" that it gives your lips) with a bit of pigment added, so that you get the conditioning and the color all at once. Genius guy, this Burt is! The "Lip shimmer" as it is called, leaves a nice sheer tint on the lips, so it's no too lip-sticky, not too "Chapsticky" either.
Although I hate the mall and all it stands for, I have to say, it is much easier to get my "one-stop" shopping done there. I came out spending a lot less money than I planned, saved on gas and got a little exercize to boot. If only they could invent a mall in the Frank Lloyd Wright tradition, so as not to kill 5 acres of trees and landscape, then I would be totally satisfied.

AHHH. LIFE!

I love my friends.
Whenever I start to get mopey and beyatchy, they always step in to set me straight, I'm like the toy robot wandering off, ready to spill down the steps, and my friends are the little 3 year-olds, running to pick me up and set me down on safe grounds.
My friend Jay emailed me a newsletter that his siter wrote to her clients, regarding her surprise, shock, and worry upon hearing the news that she and her husband were expecting another child. At this point in reading the article, I thought to myself, yeah, I'm totally there, sister! I read further on, as she wrote about learning that not only were they expecting another child, but they were going to have twins! I was thinking to myself, man, if it were me, I would want to crawl under a rock and die. But my friend's sister wrote nothing of the sort. She described how she and her husband laughed about the news, and called everyone they knew and then some, and received laughs from all who heard the news. She accepted her fate, moved on, and even lived to laugh about it. My emotions quickly turned to guilt, and I started to cry.

I feel horrible that I have been focusing on the negatives of our new baby. I've been concentrating on the fact that my husband lost his job, that I gained weight and have to get new clothes (with no extra $$), that I have to work full time instead of staying home, that our boys will need to get scholarships to pay for college, etc. etc. When I should be looking at this new challenge as an adventure. I should appreciate that my family is healthy, that I even have a job, that we have generous friends and family who hand down clothes to our sons, and contribute to the better of our sons' futures. I need to stop walking in the house and seeing the mess as a burden, and appreciate that I have a wonderful family here to accompany me. "Keep on the sunny side of the street", they say. I am Patti Sunshine, after all, and I should live up to my name, dagnabbit!

Perhaps the reason why we have friends is to keep us in line, prevent us from doing ourselves in with self-pity! We are our own worst critics, and the pals we collect through life are the Academy judges, awarding us for achievements that we may not have known we accomplished. My friends accept me for what I am, not what I "should have been". It's time for me to accept that too, and as Jay's sister says, "adjust" and move on.

list

Here is a list of the top ten songs which get stuck in my head every day at work. Listed in order with #1 being the one that lingers longest, in descending order from there on:
1. Danny Boy - Irish Classic
2. Kielbasa Sausage - Tenacious D.
3. Marrakesh Express - CSN (yes, I probably spelled it wrong - too much Green Tea)
4. Into Your Arms - Lemonheads
5. La La - Ashlee Simpson (don't laugh, it's very CATCHY!)
6. Inbetween Days - The Cure
7. Terrapin Station (The Grateful Dead) - particularly the refrain that goes ("Inspiration....move me brightly" - it repeats and repeats and repeats)
8. Close To You - The Cure
9. Melissa - Allman Brothers
10. The Working Hour - Tears for Fears

What's your Top Ten????????

what's up with me?

*sigh* today I have an unexplained feeling of sadness. I don't know why, I should be doing a frenzied dance to celebrate the waking of the sun. Perhaps I am having a belated reflecting period, since I missed the annual rite on my birthday this year, I guess I've displaced it onto my son's birthday. He is FOUR today (zoinks!)
Usually, my day of birth is spent taking inventory of my accomplishments, setting new goals, pondering why I neglected to reach past goals.
Suddlenly, I've found that 15 years have flown by since I left high school, 10 since college graduation. How the crap did that happen? I keep thinking I need to get busy and start doing something meaningful.....oh, yeah, I had 2 kids! Why doesn't that count in my mind? It should, it's the hardest work on the planet!
Today's society is programmed to want more more more, so of course, I want to do more more more. Problem is, I haven't time, energy, money to do all that I want to at this time. I need a clone. A wealthy clone. A wealthy clone with a publishing agent. A wealthy clone with a publishing agent who can run the NY marathon for me. But then I still wouldn't be doing the actual tasks, the clone would. Grrrrr. Can't win. Perhaps I am simply suffering from sleep deprivation, and this mood will pass as soon as I steal a nap.

Out of the prison!

I went to bookclub last night (No, I didn't read the book - no time!).
I had forgotten what gourmet chefs those women are! Man, what fabulous food! Sarah made a broccoli/artichoke sort of casserole, the new girl, Melissa, made marinated asparagus, Stacy made an Indian pudding, Laurel made a spinach/citrus-y salad, Lori made feta cheese kalamata olive/phyllo cups, Gina made a cheesy potato dish, and I (Todd) made Mrs. Flaggert’s Oatmeal Tarts, which I renamed Honey Tarts since “Oatmeal Tarts” sounds bland, and they are NOT bland! It was nice to see everyone again, even though I had to take H, and he fussed the whole time (except when Stacy held him – he loooooves her!). So next time, no baby!
I even partook in Sarah's famous Sangria, which truly delivered and made the baby extra happy when we got home since alcohol stimulates the milk-producing glands. He went right to sleep and slept nicely through the night> I guess he just missed me.
Most of all, I was happy to see those friends again. I have to admit, I think I babbled on and on, I had so many conversations stored up from my months in seclusion! Ah, well, they didn't SEEM to mind. Our next book is going to be Straight Man. Hopefully, I can get some reading done this time!

the 4 letter word

I can't believe tht in a matter of days I will be back behind a desk, dressed in non-pajama clothing, having conversations with adults. Am I ready for this new balancing act? er, NO!
I have no idea how I will pull it off, thoughts of the chaotic morning prep to come are haunting me.Hopefully, Todd will still be laid off so he can watch the baby - one less worry - but then again we need him to work so we can pay bills...Catch 22, anyone?

Oscar comment

I have just enough time to pose a question before the baby starts crying and wanting milk again!!! (At least he is finally eating and it seems like he is gaining weight. He wasn't back to his birth weight by 3 weeks, and the doctor was telling me to nurse, nurse, nurse, but he doesn't like to eat - he just wanted to sleep alllll the dang time. This week, he is eating a lot more, so I am stuck with the opposite problem of having him glued to my chest every hour or two for 30 minutes. I started to feel the beginnings of mastitis last night, so I was soaking my chest in hot wash cloths and pumping when baby H. was asleep, then when he woke up, I nursed him on the sore breast and pumped the other simultaneously, it was quite a production! )
I'm getting Cabin Fever majorly here, but the Dr.s want me to keep baby H. inside for another month since it is flu season. This is torture! It wouldn't be so bad if the weather was warm and I could at least go for stroller rides outside, but I am stuck indoors, staring at the walls and the furniture while I play milk machine to the young 'n. Yes, visitors would be nice! I have bookclub tomorrow, but seeing as there is a winter storm advisory, I doubt I'll be going!
Ok, on to my Oscar's question:
Why oh, why did they have Beyonce sing THREE songs last night, could they not afford/find another singer, I mean, yes she has some vocal talent and is able to reinvent herself in a matter of minutes, but come on, people, there are singers all across America that are starving! Give someone else a chance here. There. Got that off my chest.(seems to be the focus of this entry, eh?)
Ah, baby crying! Gotta go!

update

I hope to be able to do some real writing soon. Right now I am super-busy balancing the feedings, cleaning, and entertaining Mr. 3-year-old. I finally am able to wear clothes other than pajamas, but am not quite ready to venture out in public to buy some trousers. For now, I am rotating 2 pairs that fit. After I lose another 5 pounds, I will embark on a pant-buying trip!
So to all of you that check in, I am waving a big hello from my pool of breastmilk and diapers. Miss you all!

before 

a dimple! 

the new dude 

OLDER & WISER?

I've been so caught up in the baby business that I haven't taken time to mope over the fact that I will soon be a year older.

After turning 30, I noticed that all of the subsequent years have blended into one. I can't find any significant events that really separate one year from another. Is this what happens when we approach (gasp!) middle age? If so, It's really not so bad. I can keep myself at 30 for a whole ten years in my mind, the trick is fooling everyone else. Or perhaps no one cares ? Once we graduate from our twenties, are we all lumped into one age group, the over-twenty-somethings? Now that I have a handful of friends who are into their 40's, that particular decade doesn't seem so geezerly anymore. Is this acceptance a sign that I am finally beginning to mature?

My mom's women friends, who are in the early dawn of their sixties, are the wisest, most content women I know. Most are now settling into retirement and embarking on new adventures in their lives. The Grandmas of today aren't the lumpy, aproned bun-in-the-hair variety like the days of yonder. Todays "elders" are fresh and sassy in appearance, and active in many regards. I hope to follow in their running shoes when I am their age.

For now, as a woman nearing her mid-thirties, I know that I have many tests ahead of me. I just hope I pass. I certainly failed a lot of the "exams" handed to me in my twenties, and I am glad to be rid of that age! If it weren't for those downfalls, however, I don't think I would be well-equipped to face the challenges that I experience today. Another Birthday? Eh, I say...bring it on!

The Waiting Game

I am now dilated between 3 and 4. Still no action though.

One could say that the nesting instinct has fallen upon me at this point. Although I don't consider it so much "nesting" as it is knowing that when a baby comes to a household, it means lots of surprise guests dropping in at any given time, and so one must have their household looking presentable in case of such incidents. I guess the term "nesting instinct" is a lot more to the point and less wordy, isn't it.

This nesting instinct doesn't just affect my home, I find myself fighting the urge to clean all of my coworker's desks, the upstairs cafeteria which I don't use, the bathrooms, the hallways and I've noticed that the janitor's closet could use some organization. Maybe I could help? Of course, the one thing stopping me from putting on my maid's uniform is the fact that every time I stand up, the baby's head pushes on my bladder, and I end up run-walking, sumo style, to the bathroom instead.

I have almost become more familiar with the employee bathroom than I am with my own husband. I know every scratch, dent and speckle of dirt on each floor tile as if they were freckles on my hand. I've even made a game out of my visits - a routine that I must follow to a "T" or risk the fates of the bathroom gods. I'm getting bored with the game, so I think I will start timing my visits, try to see how fast I can get by the end of the day.

Such is the exciting life of a 38 weeks pregnant lady!

waiting

Things to look forward to doing again after my pregnancy (yes, it's come to this):

My daily soy Chai
skiing
sleeping on my stomach or back
eating goat cheese, feta cheese and blue cheese
seeing what color underwear I'm wearing
dancing in the living room without shaking the whole house
red wine
being able to do all the grocery shopping without stopping to take a breathing break.
going out period.
wearing pants that don't have stretchy panels/that stay up
taking a seat without saying "ughhhh"
not having strangers pat my belly
not having my belly bump into everything/everyone

not much progress....

I'm still waiting for the contractions to start, I seem to have all the labor signs except the contractions and the breaking of the waters, of course. My due date isn't officially until Jan. 25th, but my Dr. thought I was ready to give birth on Thursday!! Optimist, that one. I have to remember to think the opposite of what she tells me, like when I was pregnant with Boy #1, she told me that the rate of his heartbeat indicated that it was a girl, so I got all wrapped up in the baby girl mode, just to be let down when we had the revealing ultrasound. And when she told me the ultrasound looked promising when I was having a miscarriage. So when my Dr. said that this one would be a girl, I knew it would be a boy...and guess what! ( I was right)

Today, I'm feeling ultra-funky and showing more signs of imminent labor, stomach aches, but no contractions. I will call you (close friends and family) when I actually have the baby, so don't think you need to check here.

For now, I'm putzing along with my days, cleaning like a mad-woman, plucking my eyebrows at a rapid rate(pregnant women in the 1980's must have LOOOOOVED these hair-producing hormones). Trying to keep my belly warm and covered. Someone really needs to design maternity shirts for women with long torsos. I've got major Britney action going on here, and my belly keeps pushing my pants down, so I've got low-riders with by belly hanging out. Kinda like an ex-footbal player in his mid-40's. All I need is a stained wife-beater shirt and a bottle of beer. Well, I best get going now, as I said, I'm not feeling myself today and if I keep babbling, I may end up offending someone, if I haven't already!

More later!

progress 2

Zoinks! Just got back from the Dr. and I am dilated almost to 3 and 80% effaced. For those of you who don't know, that means it's going to be be soon, honey!

I was dilated to 3 about 24 hrs. before Boy #1 was born.

I'm feeling excited, anxious, nervous and a bit scramble-headed. Oh, yeah, and a little scared (and a bit nauseous with all these differing emotions going on at once).

I just hope this baby is not 14 pounds!
Some more good news, I lost 2 lbs. Yea! Even after having that banana/chocolate milkshake at Steak n Shake. Not too shabby.

The boy's first bike. Thanks Grandpa Terry!

another Santa view 

He told Santa that he wanted a cement mixer and an orange shirt for his mom (sniff, sniff) 

progress

I know I said I would put pictures on, but since I got the news that I was dilated to 1 and the "mucous plug" was gone, I decided to take a resting weekend in case the baby wanted to appear. No baby yet, but I am so grateful for the extra rest that I got.

Everything is in place, so we are now just waiting to hear that I am more dilated than I was last week. The boy has a beautiful new room with faaaabulous new (cheap) carpet, the baby's room is organized. I spent hours upon hours sorting out 0-6 month sizes from the rest. All are labeled and boxed, the 0-6 month sizes are in the dresser. I was the queen of organization this weekend. Practically everything in our house now has a labeled box. I remember a time when I scoffed at Todd for buying that label-maker thingy, but now, once again, I will admit that he was (cough) RIGHT!

So I'm back to work now, and speaking of work, I need to get to it. If you see me, please don't say "Oh, you're still pregnant" or "when you gonna have that baby?" For a pregnant woman, that is utterly annoying. How the hell do we know? (unless you have a scheduled c-section). We'll let you know when the baby is here. In fact, here is a list of things NEVER to say to a pregnant woman. Unless you want your face smashed in (at least in our minds)

1. You're so big!/You've gotten so BIG!
2. Have you put on weight hahaha? (NOT funny, people)
3. Are you sure you're not having twins?
4. When are you gonna have that baby?
5. You look like you're ready to pop (grrrr)
6. When I was pregnant, no one even noticed!!!!

Thanks for understanding. I'll keep you informed on the progress.

Christmas Marathon

Patti Sunshine is currently reading The Red Tent

I promise I will get some pictures on here soon. It's just been a bit nuts at our house lately.

This year I partook in what could be coined The Christmas Marathon!!! This is what happens when one has a super-extended family such as I do. Although I love to see people and have family gatherings, shoving five separate such occasions into one week turns out to be quite exhausting for a nine-months pregnant lady. Right now, I am left feeling like an old pillow with half the cotton pulled out. I'm so exhausted that I actually wore my glasses to work. (ew!) ok, I also didn't take a shower either, I'll admit, and it just so happens that I ate at an Indian restaurant last night so I have that lingering onion/curry odor about me (sorry to the doctor that will be checking me today). I tried to cover the scent up with perfume and Todd's super-duper strongman deodorant, but I merely managed to make myself smell like cinnamon-flowery curry instead. Ah, well. I have an excuse, right?

I'm quite jealous that three of the ladies I know who were due to have babies in January have already given birth. And here I am, left out in the cold, still not hatching and growing bigger and more uncomfortable by the minute. I'm listening with a jealous ear to the plans of my coworkers for New Year's Eve, and hoping that MY plans will include an early visit to the birthing room.

My other plans are to finish organizing tha baby's drawers ( I received loads of baby clothes this holiday, thanks to all for the help!) get the carpet installed in The Boy's "new" room (can you believe, Todd and I found a remnant that was EXACTLY the size of the room for 88 dollahs? SCORE!) put the dang crib together and donate a huuuuuge box of Son's toys to Goodwill. He was quite spoiled this year, seeing as we had FIVE different family gatherings. Did I mention that before? Just trying to make the point clear.

I'm glad that I was able to have Monday off so The Boy could relax and play with his toys. He is so happy when he doesn't have to take on adult responsibilities, as he does on the days when I work. Having those days off makes me feel all the more guilty that I have to work outside the home. We had a perfect day together, filled with laughs, games, singing, dancing, and stories. Not once did he ask to watch TV, either. What a joy!

So now, here I sit at my desk, the calmness that happens after the holiday rush is setting into my bones, and I am now looking forward to the next big adventure...having the baby. It's nice to have something to focus on after all the Christmas ruckus. I know that some people get severely depressed after the holiday letdown, so I am thanking my stars that I have this special goal in my sights. 2005 is going to be an adventurous year, indeed.

The holiday season is a time to rejoice, reunite with loved ones, spend time with family and friends. A time for celebration and cheer. The expected happiness this time of year is what makes a death seem all the more tragic.

The saying goes that death comes in threes. I have been notified of three deaths of people I knew within this past week. (ok, one is a cat, but I'm counting it because I don't want to think about losing any more friends!). The odd thing about learning of someone's death for me is that when someone I know has died, it has always been a person that I haven't seen in a while. A situation like this tends to numb the feelings of grief, the reality of the actual death doesn't ever sink in. I feel guilty for not breaking down and crying, but the bubble of protection that distance provides leaves me feeling shocked and surprised rather than sad.

About a year ago, my mother wanted me to attend her colleague's mother's funeral, she says because she wanted me to get some "funeral experience". I told her I was willing to bet that I had been to three times as many funerals in my life at that point than she. It seems in my lifetime, I have seen more deaths of young people than I have of the elderly. I've almost come to expect that someone I know will pass away each year, it's just a matter of who, when and how - this is perhaps another factor that numbs the pain of a death.

I like to believe that when we die, we are reunited with those that we loved and lost in life. I imagine my friends from college hanging out in some heavenly mountainous area, enjoying the essence of nature. I see my Grandmother swimming, riding her bike, the beauty of her days as a model restored in her face. My mind is at ease if I focus on the fact that those whom we have lost are now free of the burdens of living life on Earth, in our clunky bodies, with our trite day-to-day problems. We don't know what happens when we die, but as a coping method, I try to focus on what the dead may be experiencing rather than those left behind on Earth. This is why I don't cry at funerals. I've actually been to a few services where the family of the deceased released balloons, had uplifting music playing, and the general mood was a celebration of a life lived, not a life lost.

Yes, it is painful when we lose someone we love, especially around Christmas time, and I can't imagine what my friend's family and my (half) sister are going through right now. All I can do is lend my support, be a listening ear, and thank God for letting me briefly know these beautiful people.

car conversation #4?

3 1/2 year old son: " Mama, can I see your tummy just for a minute?"
Me: "sure"
Son: "Yep, you're like Fat Albert. I'll call you 'Mama Fat Albert' because your tummy is big and fat!"
Me: "That's not a nice thing to say to someone"
Son: "Sorry, but you are like Fat Albert in your tummy"

social hour

Last night, the gals from bookclub got together for a Christmas party/baby shower/social gathering at San Chez. At first, I was feeling tired and anti-social, but with this group, it's impossible to stay that way for long.

What I enjoy most about our group is the overall diversity and dynamics of the women. The Books & Cooks contain a devout Christian, A devout Non-Christian, and a couple of Catholics. Some are single women, some are married with children and some are married, no children. We are tall, short, dark-haired, light haired and come from different backgrounds. One thing that all the women have in common is that they are intelligent, educated people. The conversations at our meetings can involve anything from politics to hair color, and I love them for that.

A group with dynamics such as ours is hard to ignore, and last night we managed to quickly become the entertainment for the mezzanine section of the restaurant. It's a bookclub tradition to have some sort of minor catastrophe occur at a meeting. Whether it be dog/mineral spirit incidents, major dog flatulation or wine spilling on new furniture, we manage to produce a (later) laughable situation. This time the incident to speak of evolved when a certain napkin placed in a bread basket made friends with a nearby candle. For some reason, none of us reacted, we just noticed that the lights were brighter and there was a nice warmth emanating from the table. I think I casually pointed out the fire, and Stacey screamed while a waiter non-chalantly walked by and dumped a pitcher of water on said basket - as if he were working on an assembly line - it was so automatic. The waitress then explained that this was the third time they had performed such a fire-fighting duty that night.

Between the fire, the gift exchanges, and our general livelihood, we managed to draw the attention and even applause of the other patrons in the restuarant. In a good way. I swear.

mmmmm....cake! 

We need more Calgon!

I feel a storm a-brewin' and I'm not talking about the weather. Every once in a while, perhaps once a year or sometimes every two years, I tend to have what I call a mental breakdown. I can tell when one is coming because the muscles in my neck become tight and twitchy. The fact that it is winter and I'm boiling hot without a jacket is another indication of the inevitable eruption.

Lately, I've been losing sleep thinking about work, the new arrival and all the logistics and financial changes that will come hand in hand with it. I've been flipping around in my bed, formulating plan after plan, and nothing is putting my mind at ease. I end up running to the bathroom and bawling my eyes out so as not to disturb those in the house who can get shut-eye. Then, in the morning, after I manage to somehow fall asleep for maybe 2 hours, my 3 1/2 year-old son decides to be slow, stubborn and argumentative before we get in the car to go to school and work. This makes my blood boil and a strange monster mom growl develops in my throat. I can feel my heart squeezing, and I end up doing lamaze breathing just to keep it from exploding.

I would normally get a reprieve once I get to work, but because I am in the process of training my substitute, I enter a whole new world of stress. At the end of the workday, I leave to pick my son up from school and the pressure of entertaining my son, getting dinner on and cleaning the house and/or running errands takes over the stress I left at work. I know that I should be doing yoga and meditating, but I never get a significant chunk of time to be alone, with nothing to do. If my husband takes my son out for a few hours, I end up doing laundry, dishes, or cleaning. I know that with a baby, it's only going to get worse, and here comes that tightness in my neck. grrrrrrrrrrrr.

I know that being a stay-at-home mom is a stressful and difficult job, but just to be able to not have to deal with the morning defiance, to be able to say "yes, honey. you can go back to bed, you can leave your jammies on", to not have to dry my hair or wear wrinkle-free clothes right now sounds like life's equivalent to Calgon. If I stayed home, I could have time to hang out with or merely call my friends, right? right? Join one of those "play groups"? My stay-at home mom friends always seem so relaxed, but then again, they're always complaing about wanting to go out with adult friends and not having time or money for that. Every situation has its gold and its coal.

Tomorrow, I will be spending the day shopping for gifts that will be given at our Christmas party. Perhaps I could sneak in some car yoga or stow away in the mall bathroom for some quick meditation, Maybe what I need to do is find 5 minute spurts when I can perform relaxation techniques rather than doing hour-long sessions. I could start a new trend among busy women. Call it "power-meditation" (since the word "power-anything" is so trendy now). I can write a book about it, make a DVD, market it on that cable shopping channel. Yes, yes, I see it now, a whole Patti Sunshine mega-enterprize for the harried supermom set. It could happen. That is, if I had the time.....

Hiking at Canada Creek this past summer 

I could stare at this face all day! 

birthdays, birthdays and more birthdays

For me, this season is not only about holidays, but also it is the time for the big birthday rush. It seems that everyone I know has a birthday in these current 2 weeks. Todd's birthday falls right after Thanksgiving, so while everyone else is rushing to get the holiday shopping and baking done, I am focusing on his birthday. Last year, as he most likely will never forget, we also had just moved into our new house, so the little stress monster in me kinda sorta made a big fat appearance on his birthday and kinda sorta ruined his special day.

This year, I invited some old friends over to help celebrate, made him the cake he wanted (german chocolate with peanut butter frosting - I was afraid of this at first but it actually tasted great!), bought him gifts that he wanted, and made his favorite dinner .....ok, he actually made the dinner.

It was his special famous spaghetti that is quickly gaining popularity with our dinner guests. I don't know how he does it, but he cuts up a bunch of Roma tomatoes, other veggies, tofu and who knows what else, cooks it down and then we pile it on our noodles. The flavor of the sauce is so amazing that you could eat it solo as a meal. I soaked up the juices with loads of garlic bread - in your face, Atkins!

Now that Todd's big birthday celebration has passed, I can focus on the bazillion other engagements that I have marked on my calendar. This month I will.....
Get my hair dyed to its natural color (hopefully)
Christmas shopping (yikes!)
Get a real Christmas tree
Finish and mail the Holiday letter
Help with Gypsy Auditions at the theatre
Gather with the book club at San Chez (a Tapas Bistro)
Attend my son's Christmas concert
Try to remember to sell some things on ebay
See my former yoga instructor who moved to Hawaii
Go to Todd's mom's for Christmas
Have my birth mother and "special friend", Todd's dad and wife over for Christmas Eve's Eve
(the 23rd)
Go to my mom's for Christmas Day
Go to the Flaggert's annual party (we will meet their newest grandson, Jack)
Try to relax and get ready for a birth!
What are YOU doing?

We made a snowperson!! (now totally melted, nothing but celery and coal) 

I tried out the zoomlens for this - oops!!! I can see in the neighbor's house (teehee) 

fun action shot 

Ahh, the Thanksgiving holiday is fast approaching, and with it, the usual anxieties of squeezing in a last minute jaunt to the grocery store for missing ingredients, praying that the weather man is wrong in reporting 3-6 inches of snow, and my biggest fear, the after-Thanksgiving sales!!!!

I am so relieved that someone out there had the intelligence to think of Buy Nothing Day, so I now have an excuse when people ask me why, oh why, am I not going out and taking advantage of the oh-so faaaaabulous sales? I simply look at them blankly and say "It's Buy Nothing Day, so I will Buy nothing." As my mom pointed out last night while we were shopping for her birthday gift, the stores jack up the prices and then hold a 1/2 off sale, to trick the consumer into thinking they scored a deal, and then the consumer will think they are saving so much money, that - hey! they can buy MORE then they set out to. Then when they get to the cash register, and see the enormous bill they have accumulated, and the line is so freaking long, and people are impatient, and babies are crying,and mothers are yelling, the consumer gets sucked into actually paying for all the merchandise rather than holding up the line and therefore causing great distress within the store. I've seen it happen, I used to participate.

The problem with Buy Nothing Day is that every dang year SOMETHING happens so that I am forced to go out into the craziness. Either someone gets sick and needs some medicine, or we run out of milk, diapers, toilet paper, or what have you, and I end up caving, and of course, once I get to the store that has said necessary item, I get trapped into the claws of the evil advertisements and end up buying some really cute or seemingly marked-down gotta-have-it Christmas gift. It never fails.

This year, I will do a meditation to protect myself against the treacherous "Day After Thanksgiving Sales". I will repeat the mantra 'You will remain strong, you have willpower, you will stay inside, you have plenty of time to shop for gifts, not today, not today". I will repeat this over and over, and if lovely husband tries to interfere, I will only repeat it louder and with more vigor. I will play the System of a Down song all day, the one that goes:"Therapy, Therapy, advertising causes me therapy" I will stay away from all windows and doors, and not look at what large, beautiful packages the neighbors are carting into their homes. I will take a stand, and I will prevail!

The day after I took this shot, there was a huge storm that killed these guys off 

Talkin' Tofurkey

I'm going to take a moment to express my love for my son's preschool. Yesterday, my son made a cut out of a turkey that was glued in the center of some Thanksgiving songs. I'm happy to proclaim that these songs are quite liberal in nature and support both vegetarian and meat-eating Thanksgiving goers alike. Following is a sample:

"MR. TURKEY, BETTER WATCH OUT" (Sung to Yankee Doodle)
Mr. Turkey, better watch out, Thanksgiving Day is coming. If you're not careful, you'll end up in someone's hungry tummy! Mr. Turkey Run, run, run, Please run away and hii-ide. Mr Turkey, run, run, run, Don't wait around outside!

And here's one that "goes both ways":

"Tom, Tom Turkey" (sung to Frere Jacques)
Tom Tom Turkey, Tom Tom Turkey,
Run away, Run away.
Thanksgiving Day is coming, Thanksgiving Day is coming.
Yum Yum Yum, Run, run, run!!!

I'm no preacher, but...
I think it is so wonderful of that school to instill an open mind in our kids at such a young age, to weigh all the options before forming an opinion. It's a value that finally seems to be picking up momentum with young parents in our country. We all need to do what we can to speed it up and spread it around.

sick

I'll try to make this as coherent as possible, considering the computer screen is wavering in front of my face right now. I'm so stuffed up that it feels like I'm in an underground tube, but a clear one, since I can see everything going on, I'm just slightly detached from the world and my body.

On Saturday, I drove with my mom to Ann Arbor to see my cousin sing in the UofM Glee Club's 145th Anniversary Concert. It's a 2 1/2 hour drive from Grand Rapids, and of course, feeling the beginnings of this horrific cold, I was late meeting my mom which started a huge dominoe effect on the whole evening, as it turns out.

On the way, I learned that we were to pick up my niece Avery, since she decided to join us at the last minute. When we arrived at the meeting point to pick her up, her sister decided that she wanted to go also. My mom had planned on parking the car in Ann Arbor, then walking to a nice fancy restaurant for dinner before the show, but due to my lateness and the addition of 2 under-10-year-olds, that plan was nixed and we hightailed it to the nearest Big Boy for a quickie meal.

We made it to the general area where the concert was to take place with 15 minutes to spare before show time. These 15 minutes, however, came and went as we sat in the line for the parking garage. Beginning to panic, my mom had me take the two girls to the auditorium while she continued in the parking queue. She handed me $50.00 and told me that I needed to pick up the tickets she ordered as well as buy 2 more. After a freezing jaunt to the auditorium, the girls and I discovered that the line for the Will Call tickets was wrapped around the building. We had no idea where my mom wanted us to meet her, we just knew that it was about 8:10 at this point, but at least the concert was being delayed. We finally made it to the box office, only to find that the cost of the 4 tickets would be $56.00. (remember, my mom handed me $50.00) I did not have any cash on me as usual, and the girls didn't either. I really do have to commend myself for keeping control of my mouth at that point and managing to swear in German rather than English so the girls wouldn't know that I said a naughty word. After a few minutes of me huffing and looking around and cursing in German, the box office girl decided that she felt sorry for us, and let us go anyway (yea! gotta love those rebellious college students).

We went around to the front of the auditorium, thinking my mom would be there waiting for us, but no mom...anywhere...we were the only people in the lobby at that point, and the ushers were getting impatient with us since we were pacing in and out of the front doors. After 10 minutes that seemed more like half an hour, my mom poked her head out...from the SEATING AREA!!!! SHE HAD BEEN IN THERE THE WHOLE TIME!!!! Turns out the ushers felt sorry for her and gave her a fake ticket.

We ran down the aisle to our seats, and just as my bum hit the cushion, the concert began. I looked and looked and looked for my cousin, but could not find him. My uncle, who was seated next to me, could not find him. No one could find my cousin. That's because my cousin was not there - he was home, sick with the flu.

It was a beautiful concert, though. The men's voices filled the theatre with heavenly chords that mezmerized the deathly silent audience. During the second half of the concert, a smaller group called the Friars came out, and performed some fun songs. I guess they were sort of the comic relief of the show, and my 9-year old niece was happy for this factor until they polluted her ears with renditions of the U of M fight songs (she claims she is a State fan all the way and that she would have to go home and wash the UofM germs from her body-ah, what a fun age!). My uncle and I thoroughly enjoyed the jazz portion of the show, as we had both been in a Jazz band at one point in our lives, and were familiar with the tunes. The repertoir included Holy Alleluias, African rhythms, jazzy bits and ended with some fraternal alma mater-type songs. I remembered a time when I used to sing with the St. Cecelia choirs in Grand Rapids, and felt a bit of nostalgia creeping up on me. Man, do I miss making music with people!

Whenever my mother and I go out of town, we seem to end up in some sort of adventure. This weekend was no different, and because my nieces were along, I felt as if we had passed the torch on to the new generation. Actually, I can't wait for the next one. We all need a little "Mr. Toad's Wild Ride" once in a while.

Holy #^&@@ It's Christmas?!

Patti Sunshine has given up on Fortune's Rocks and is now reading Spiritual Midwifery by Ina May Gaskin


Is my Calendar off? Did I fall asleep for 7 weeks and wake up at the tail end of December? If so, this sure is nice warm weather for Christmas time!

The reason for my confusion is that Todd and I went shopping last night to buy a toy for a little boy who was hurt in an accident. On our way to the (yikes) mall, we noticed that the houses were decorated with santas, reindeer and snowmen. While in the mall, we saw displays exhibiting similar themes and piping over the sound system was CHRISTMAS MUSIC! On November 11?!?! (Shouldn't they have been playing Veteran's Day music?)

The other day, I was trying to explain to my son that Thanksgiving was coming up, and it would be our next big holiday, but he argued that it was still Halloween. I can't blame him for that sentiment, seeing as his costume is still sitting in our living room and I haven't removed the broom-riding witch drawing from our front window. So in a sense, he is right, It is not Thanksgiving until Halloween has officially run its course. We still have a salad bowl full of candy, after all.

Why is it that people want Christmas to last longer than all the other holidays? The stores have just removed all of their Halloween decor and have totally skipped the Thanksgiving theme in favor of Christmas. I remember driving by people's houses last year in February, and seeing Christmas trees in the front windows. When we were kids, we wished for every day to be Christmas, but that was out of greed, wasn't it? We really were just in it for the toys. What makes adults cling to Christmas. Is it the religious factor? The colors? The commercialism?

In our lovely city we already have 2 radio stations that have started to play Christmas music, non-stop, 24 hours a day. When the time is right I will tune in, but for now I will plan for one of my favorite holidays, the holiday of food, family and fun, the 4th of July of Fall, the neglected little sister to Christmas, THANKSGIVING. Let us give thanks, and not forget what Thanksgiving can do for us.

Bedtime Conversation

Son:"Mama, where did your belly button go?"
Me: "IT stretches out as the baby gets bigger"
Son: " No, I think the doctor took it off. You need to get a new one......you can't have mine!"

Oops. I did It Again

I was halfway to work this morning when I suddenly realized with a heart-stopping wrench of terror, that I had (gasp!!!!) forgotten to put on make-up!!!!

I am not, in any way shape or form, a girly-girl or a "make-up face". I usually go with just a light coat of mascara, eyeliner and blush, and, if feeling pasty, I'll draw on some lips too. But I never ever, never, leave the house without SOMETHING there.

There is a reason for this...it's what I call "the jinx". Every single time I have left the house without doing the face or hair or bathing ritual, or decided to just throw on whatever clothes happened to be crumpled in a pile on the floor (because after all, I was only going to "run" to the coffee shop or the theatre or the art library, and of course, why would anyone be at any of THOSE places with a CAMERA?!), I have ended up either in the newspaper, on TV or in someone's movie. With my lack of hygenic attention on display for the whole world, or at least whomever happened to be paying attention that day.

So here I am, at work, with no make-up on my face, wondering when it will hit, cowering at my desk like a cow when it senses a tornado, just waiting for someone to suddenly decide to do a documentary on battery watering systems, needing my naked-face input, of course. To add to the paranoia, I will be leaving the building in 5 minutes to go to a dentist appointment, raising the bar on my chances of running into a camera-wielding interviewer. My car also happens to be out of gas, and I am just willing to bet that today will be the day that the news does a story on the ever-fluctuating price of fuel. Perhaps one of you will see my in all my pale-face glory tonight on Fox. I'll be sure to wave.

NOVEMBER!!!!

patti sunshine is currently reading Fortune's Rocks by Anita Shreve

It's November! This means 3 more months to go before the arrival of boy #2. The other night I had horrible cramping for about an hour, so I thought for sure that I was going into labor, but then after a huge glass of water, the pain went away (phew!). I went to the Dr. yesterday and she said it would be best if the baby waited until AFTER Thanksgiving to appear. I wouldn't mind if he arrived right after, since I am looking like a black & tan cow. (For some reason the maternity stores only seem to have black or tan clothes for the winter season!!!!)

Lately, I've been staying awake at night trying to plan the arrangement of furniture in the baby's room, struggling to come up with a name, stressing over the daycare situation, and then in the morning, I am dead tired, cranky and just plain sad.

I think I am in mourning because a new baby will mean a further loss of my personal freedom, loss of sleep, loss of flexibility in my schedule, loss of money in my pocket (har har). I know that babies are a blessing and there are a LOT of people in the world who really want a baby and can't produce one, but I can't avoid this feeling that I have, it's so different than when I was pregnant with my first child. Instead of feeling elation, excitement and anticipation,I am terrified!

Maybe my lack of excitement is due to the fact that I know the OTHER side of having a baby. On one hand there is the cuteness, cuddling and soft gurgly noises that make us want to have a baby, and then there is the reality - screaming, stinky diapers, lack of sleep. My first baby was colicky, so I heard a LOT of screaming...all night...he would scream until I got to the point where I would have to scream, and only then would he stop, and my wall of tears would burst open. Whenever someone came to visit, he would greet the guest with the widest, happiest smile you ever did see. His daycare lady proclaimed that she had never seen such a smiley baby in her 13 years of childcare providing - then I would get the boy home and the screaming would commence! He screamed when he was hungry, when it was bathtime, when it was bedtime, when he had to be in the carseat.....I had read and heard that a mother can tell what her baby's cries mean. HUH?!?! All I heard was screaming, I had no clue what his screams meant, to me they were just plain screeching screams!

Now that my son is older, he is fun! I enjoy every moment that we have together, even if he is cranky. I don't know if he's broken me in or if he's just gotten "better", but the starting over is why I am afraid of the upcoming baby. Hopefully the first 2 years will fly by and we can get to that happy 3 year-old point in a flash, or even better, maybe this one won't be a screamer (har har). Then again, if the years do fly by, I'll find that I have too quickly arrived at the (gasp) teen years! OH NO! THE HORROR! I guess I should just relax and let each day come as it may. Someday, the boys will be away at college (I hope) and I'm sure I will yearn to hear those charming baby screams.

dang it!!!!

WHy why WHY do all of my pictures look fuzzy when they are transferred to the dang website? These pictures are all crystal clear on my computer, as they should be, since they were taken with a brand new non-cheapo camera!!!!!!!!!!!! Argh! IF only I had an extra $40.00 a month so I could have my own website. (SNORT!!)