Frustration has its way of changing us. Lately, I have found myself morphing into that person whom I never wanted to become. My voice, thick with anger and stress has lowered about an octave, become raspy with the echoes of nightly strain. Lines on my face are appearing more rapidly, my face, once tattooed with a smile, has a permanent frown. I used to turn away when I saw women looking like this in public, thinking to myself..."sheesh, what can be so hard about life that they can look like THAT?" And now I know, and now I am that woman.
My four year-old, such a handsome, clever, creative young boy, has caused me to reach this point. He has somehow managed to do invoke the soul of a rebellious teen into his skinny little boy body. He is defiant, angry, controlling, and thinks the world revolves around him.
"What that boy needs is discipline" they say. Yes, I have been disciplining him from sunrise to sunset, and it is not doing good, solely managing to wear me down. "get him checked for ADD" they say. Yeah, I've seen kids on Ritalin, they look like the life has been sucked out of them. I don't want my son to disappear, I just want some calm once in a while. I looked up herbal remedies for ADD online, and it only led me to websites featuring links to BUY this fabulous product or BUY that wonderful book. No one seems to have any real advice anymore, it's all about the money making. "Time outs" don't work, he knows there is nothing to keep him sitting in the chair. We send him to his room and what does he do? Colors with crayon on the new carpet! Great tactic, I tell ya!
Perhaps his behavior is a trait of a creative-minded person. Maybe my little hellian is merely exhibiting an early form of the "tortured-artist" syndrome. Possibly, he has so many ideas and inventions rolling around in his head and he isn't mature enough to know how to express himself. I wish I could help him. I remember feeling this way many times when I was little. I still feel that way today, only now that I have the maturity, I am unable to create due to lack of time (and energy!).
Maybe this is just a phase, maybe he has ADD and maybe he is just an extremely stubborn kid. I still love him no matter what. I'm hoping that I can keep my sanity long enough to see him through this ruckus. It would be pretty tough to give him a tough love hug with my arms strapped in a straight-jacket.