patti sunshine is currently reading Fortune's Rocks by Anita Shreve
It's November! This means 3 more months to go before the arrival of boy #2. The other night I had horrible cramping for about an hour, so I thought for sure that I was going into labor, but then after a huge glass of water, the pain went away (phew!). I went to the Dr. yesterday and she said it would be best if the baby waited until AFTER Thanksgiving to appear. I wouldn't mind if he arrived right after, since I am looking like a black & tan cow. (For some reason the maternity stores only seem to have black or tan clothes for the winter season!!!!)
Lately, I've been staying awake at night trying to plan the arrangement of furniture in the baby's room, struggling to come up with a name, stressing over the daycare situation, and then in the morning, I am dead tired, cranky and just plain sad.
I think I am in mourning because a new baby will mean a further loss of my personal freedom, loss of sleep, loss of flexibility in my schedule, loss of money in my pocket (har har). I know that babies are a blessing and there are a LOT of people in the world who really want a baby and can't produce one, but I can't avoid this feeling that I have, it's so different than when I was pregnant with my first child. Instead of feeling elation, excitement and anticipation,I am terrified!
Maybe my lack of excitement is due to the fact that I know the OTHER side of having a baby. On one hand there is the cuteness, cuddling and soft gurgly noises that make us want to have a baby, and then there is the reality - screaming, stinky diapers, lack of sleep. My first baby was colicky, so I heard a LOT of screaming...all night...he would scream until I got to the point where I would have to scream, and only then would he stop, and my wall of tears would burst open. Whenever someone came to visit, he would greet the guest with the widest, happiest smile you ever did see. His daycare lady proclaimed that she had never seen such a smiley baby in her 13 years of childcare providing - then I would get the boy home and the screaming would commence! He screamed when he was hungry, when it was bathtime, when it was bedtime, when he had to be in the carseat.....I had read and heard that a mother can tell what her baby's cries mean. HUH?!?! All I heard was screaming, I had no clue what his screams meant, to me they were just plain screeching screams!
Now that my son is older, he is fun! I enjoy every moment that we have together, even if he is cranky. I don't know if he's broken me in or if he's just gotten "better", but the starting over is why I am afraid of the upcoming baby. Hopefully the first 2 years will fly by and we can get to that happy 3 year-old point in a flash, or even better, maybe this one won't be a screamer (har har). Then again, if the years do fly by, I'll find that I have too quickly arrived at the (gasp) teen years! OH NO! THE HORROR! I guess I should just relax and let each day come as it may. Someday, the boys will be away at college (I hope) and I'm sure I will yearn to hear those charming baby screams.