I feel a storm a-brewin' and I'm not talking about the weather. Every once in a while, perhaps once a year or sometimes every two years, I tend to have what I call a mental breakdown. I can tell when one is coming because the muscles in my neck become tight and twitchy. The fact that it is winter and I'm boiling hot without a jacket is another indication of the inevitable eruption.
Lately, I've been losing sleep thinking about work, the new arrival and all the logistics and financial changes that will come hand in hand with it. I've been flipping around in my bed, formulating plan after plan, and nothing is putting my mind at ease. I end up running to the bathroom and bawling my eyes out so as not to disturb those in the house who can get shut-eye. Then, in the morning, after I manage to somehow fall asleep for maybe 2 hours, my 3 1/2 year-old son decides to be slow, stubborn and argumentative before we get in the car to go to school and work. This makes my blood boil and a strange monster mom growl develops in my throat. I can feel my heart squeezing, and I end up doing lamaze breathing just to keep it from exploding.
I would normally get a reprieve once I get to work, but because I am in the process of training my substitute, I enter a whole new world of stress. At the end of the workday, I leave to pick my son up from school and the pressure of entertaining my son, getting dinner on and cleaning the house and/or running errands takes over the stress I left at work. I know that I should be doing yoga and meditating, but I never get a significant chunk of time to be alone, with nothing to do. If my husband takes my son out for a few hours, I end up doing laundry, dishes, or cleaning. I know that with a baby, it's only going to get worse, and here comes that tightness in my neck. grrrrrrrrrrrr.
I know that being a stay-at-home mom is a stressful and difficult job, but just to be able to not have to deal with the morning defiance, to be able to say "yes, honey. you can go back to bed, you can leave your jammies on", to not have to dry my hair or wear wrinkle-free clothes right now sounds like life's equivalent to Calgon. If I stayed home, I could have time to hang out with or merely call my friends, right? right? Join one of those "play groups"? My stay-at home mom friends always seem so relaxed, but then again, they're always complaing about wanting to go out with adult friends and not having time or money for that. Every situation has its gold and its coal.
Tomorrow, I will be spending the day shopping for gifts that will be given at our Christmas party. Perhaps I could sneak in some car yoga or stow away in the mall bathroom for some quick meditation, Maybe what I need to do is find 5 minute spurts when I can perform relaxation techniques rather than doing hour-long sessions. I could start a new trend among busy women. Call it "power-meditation" (since the word "power-anything" is so trendy now). I can write a book about it, make a DVD, market it on that cable shopping channel. Yes, yes, I see it now, a whole Patti Sunshine mega-enterprize for the harried supermom set. It could happen. That is, if I had the time.....